Never trust a man

My nana always told me, "Al, never trust a man who doesn't drink." Well by then I was in middle school and really didn't understand what that meant at that age. Today would have been her 85th birthday so I like looking back and thinking about some of my favorite memories and things she used to say and I really just wish she was here. Lately I've been feeling like I can't trust men in general not just the ones who don't drink. This year especially I have put myself out there more than I ever have in high school and have had no success and each failure takes a huge toll on my confidence. I just feel like its really hard t trust that thing will work out when they just have continually just let me down and feeling not good enough. That has never been something I have ever really felt in my life, maybe not talented, or tall, but never not good enough. Its not something I can help, I mean when just nothing ever works out you can't help but think well is it me who is the problem. I replay every thing I said things I did, and I can't figure out where things went wrong. Did I talk too much? Was my out fit wrong? Did I say the wrong thing? Did I not pick up on the hints or red flags? I've thought and thought and can't figure it out. I just don't know anymore. All of my friends just say things like, "well he is an ass", or "clearly something is wrong with him". But they are supposed to say that, they are my friends. But not everything can be wrong with them and nothing wrong with me. I've grown to not trust them when they say they had a great time, I don't expect a call or text after because they haven't ever come. So nana I don't think its just the men who don't drink that you can't trust.

Out of sorts

The last few days have been odd to say the least. For some reason I have been feeling very emotionally off and not really checked into what I am feeling which is very unlike me. Today I even woke up two minutes before I had my 8am and for me that is out of sorts completely. I jumped out of bed and rushed to class as fast as I could. But even when I did that it didn't really stress me out or get me worked up, I just strolled in to class a few minutes late and sat down before it even started. Even today when I had an extremely busy day and was freaked out the day before I found myself in a tranquil state. I don't think I have ever been this out of touch with my feelings or what is going on. It's kind of like everything and everyone around me is moving in slow motion and I'm just kind of checked out. I can't explain very well what I am feeling which I feel very bad about because my friends don't know how to help. Maybe I am just feeling lonely, the last time I got like this it all came down to that. I am surrounded by a bunch of people who love and care for me but for some reason I just check out and separate myself from them. Maybe its the fact that when I get really close to people something bad happens where things get ruined. I don't want to push my friends away but don't know how to explain my feelings with out them getting mixed up or misinterpreted. I could just be stressed and I even kinda miss home a little with everything that has been going on here. I miss my little buddy and can not wait to see him soon. For now I guess im just a little out of sorts.

Coffee Attack

So going out for coffee wasn't all that bad. Actually it was kind of nice to have conversation with someone who doesn't really know you all to well. It was the after coffee part that sucked, he walked me back to my dorm and left and I went to gossip with my friends about how it went. 24 hours later no text from him...Again I shouldn't care about some dumb boy who didn't text me but I guess it kind of hurt that the same thing happened again, I went out had a great time and then there was no follow up. Until last night when I went out with my friend against my better judgment and shot him a text which resulted into him inviting me to a party that night. I was ready to go but I got a friendly reminder from two of my good friends that if he didn't text you when you are sober than you shouldn't go out with him until he does. This is why these girls are my best friends. They look at the situation and help me deal with it better. In fact my friend Sammi sat with me for an hour while I was having a full blown panic attack in my room about a friend I was fighting with and other issues I had been going on in this week from hell. Despite what these girls have going on their life they always take the time to validate what I am feeling and give me advice to try and help me. I have only known these girls since September and I already feel as close to them as I do with my best friend from home. I can't imagine what college would be like if I didn't have them.

Back In The Game

I am the type of person who starts things with good intent to do them but never quite keeps up with them. Hence not blogging for months. In my defense I have been trying to live more in the now and really haven't found myself with enough free time to scribble down a few of my current emotions in a blog. Plus I really am not sure if anybody really reads this so it is more for my personal benefit. But here goes nothing with attempt number two of blogging. It wasn't until today sitting with my two friends at lunch that I have realized that I am now entering the world of causally dating. A few weekends ago I went out to a movie with this boy I had been texting and it went really well but after the date one thing led to another and we just stopped talking. It was a really great experience though getting myself out there and trying something new. Despite my slight break down a half hour before in Primark about not wanting to go anymore because I was too nervous, I had a really good time and realized that dating isn't as scary as I thought. Today I actually got asked to go to coffee with this boy who goes to school in the city as well. He seems to be nice and interesting and I am really working on going into this with less nerves and just going with the flow. Plus its only coffee, which is also he way to my coffee obsessed heart. All my friends from home and school think it is good that I am putting myself out there, I on the other hand just end up really nervous and miserable with all the first date jitters and the waiting till they text you later. It's the fear of rejection that really gets me. I understand that some people just aren't that compatible but I would still much rather have a new friend than someone just completely drop me. But here goes nothing.

Playing it Safe

My whole life I have tried to play it safe. Don't talk to strangers, don't take risks, try not to stand out. I vowed to not play it safe while i'm in college starting this new chapter. I started off pretty strong made some good friends, even asked this boy who I'd only met a few times to a baseball game and had one of my best nights yet. It's not like these are huge risks but in my mind they are. At this time last year I would have never asked a boy I hardly knew anywhere. There's always that chance of rejection and most of the time just the fear of rejection itself is enough for me to keep my mouth shut and not ask but lately I find myself with some new found confidence. Maybe it has to do with the open door policy my suit has adapted where people and by people I mean the guys just walk in with out knocking and hang out in the room. I like this new attitude. I'm not constantly faced with the anxiety of what will people think because I simply don't care enough. The people here are so open and honest. We talk about anything and everything with no judgment. Everyone is trying to get to know each other and right now clinging onto the people that they connect with. I'm lucky I found "my people", if I didn't I don't think I'd be having as good of a time with out them. I really do think I have met some life long friends.

No this is not about some boy

Contrary to what one might think no this blog isn't about a dumb boy, its about new adventures and experiences. Now I can't promise that at some point there wont be some dumb boy or maybe some stupid crush after all I am an 18 year old girl who just started college but what I can promise that I will be truthful with all my events thoughts and feelings minus leaving out a few names. I grew up in a small town and decided to embark on this new adventure. I have to say I am loving college, no curfew, no parents, I can go and please as I wish and not get in trouble for forgetting to text that instead of coming home after the mall that we went to megan's. I do miss my car though, the freedom of driving and being able to get myself places when ever I so please. I miss my sister Jules too, my best friend and also my pain in the ass little sister. The other night I was actually texting her and really actually missed being able to drive with her in my passenger seat just talking about life and what was happening in hers. I do miss my parents a little bit but then again I wasn't really home that much with them, I was at work and school during the day then on weekends I would go out. I think part of me was actually preparing to leave them this year by keeping myself so busy and becoming less dependent on them. Part of me feels content at school surrounded by my new friends but then the other part if me worries what am I missing. Jules joined the volleyball team and I wasn't home for that. Jules also has her first boyfriend, or rather "not boyfriend" because he hasn't asked yet. The point is I wasn't there to take her out for ice cream when she survived cuts and I won't know if the boy who is clearly head over heels for her asked her out simply because I am not home. I am here. My new home. My new friends.